Prayer rules, revamped

Okay people, new prayer rules. I’m not Santa and it’s not Christmas, so any requests involving the new iPad Air will get you nowhere. No, not the iPad mini either. This rule is not limited to any specific make, model or brand of consumer items you don’t need; it includes all of them.

Also, I may be immortal and eternal, but I still like My eight hours sleep, just for the fun of it. So if you should be asleep, consider that I should be too. Hold the prayers till morning, and not too early. A God without coffee is not a God that will indulge you.

Once in a while, just to be different, ask for something for someone who isn’t you. I’m just saying, that kind of thing comes as a pleasant (and rare) surprise to us higher beings. Try it, you might like it.

Finally, quit the chanting, will ya? Maybe that rosary business works for you, but hearing a billion Catholics say multiple Hail Marys makes Chinese water torture seem pretty lame. Just talk to Me in a normal voice. No, not the one you use for the baby or the dog, that’s not at all normal, and by the way, the dog is fed up with it.

That’s all I can think of right now, but I’m sure you’ll do something to make Me add to the list.

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Heaven’s Monday from Hell

It’s been one of those Mondays that make Me wonder why I invented them. First, the sot of an angel whose turn it was to make My coffee got mixed up and gave Me decaf. Even the One True God needs a jolt in the morning, so that made for a slow start.

Then I got outside, and found out that St. Francis of Assisi’s chickens got out during the night and left gifts all over the driveway for Me to step into. Honestly, while I respect his love of animals, I don’t think My brown suedes should pay the price. What in My name does he feed them anyway?

The high point of My day was when Moses phoned in a 911. Apparently some Israelites and Egyptians were watching TV together after breakfast and news about Mohammed Morsi’s trial came on. The Israelites started taunting the Egyptians about not being able to decide who their leader is and before Moses knew what was happening, the TV room was neck-deep in locusts and frogs and whatever else. I authorized him to give them some of the burning bush to smoke and that mellowed them out.

The only thing is, they got the munchies and immediately proceeded to eat everything in sight. Now St. Francis can’t find one of his sheep, and let Me tell you, St. Francis can get really whiny when we burn green stuff and he loses an animal. He makes Me wonder how you guys tolerate environmentalists, honestly.

I never did actually get any of my to-do list done after all that. So if your prayer to get home in time for wrestling didn’t get answered today, just keep in mind that Mondays have a unique capacity to suck, even for Me. Let’s see what Tuesday is like, as if I don’t know.

Evolution or Creation?

It’s obviously both, people. I created the species and programmed it to evolve. Every so often you get an upgrade, such as getting rid of all the body hair, or walking upright. Yes, I know, some people still have body hair, but they may have evolved in other ways. Like being able to walk around shirtless without waxing. I’d say that proves their ego is pretty evolved, wouldn’t you?

evolutionAnyway, it’s pretty silly to think that I created Adam to look like a guy just waiting for Brooks Brothers to come along and invent their suits. Or that Eve stood up after rib augmentation surgery and asked where her shampoo commercial would be shot.

Evolution is not a uniform activity. Some people stopped evolving a few centuries before others. Examples are Rush Limbaugh, the guys from Duck Dynasty, and pretty much every fundamentalist preacher or cleric that comes to mind. Although, Rush seems like the type that would have back hair and walk around shirtless, so I’ll concede the evolution of his ego.

The fact is, I’ve given you guys enough evidence to show that, just like computers, you get a hardware upgrade and a new software version every so often. You just have to use the brains I gave you to see it. Did you get the upgrade? If you didn’t, just keep your shirt on and buy lots of wax.

Why Belize?

bluehole

The Blue Hole, Belize

Yes, it’s Me, and I do live in Belize for a part of the year. Why? You know, you have some nerve asking that question. After all, you guys all get to go somewhere warm in the winter and I don’t criticize. Not that I’m saying that Heaven gets cold. After all, it’s Heaven, so it’s perfect. But everyone, even the One True God, needs a break from routine. So I take My break in Belize, because it’s paradise on Earth, and I can say that as an authority on paradise. Belize is also endlessly entertaining, just that you don’t know that because nobody tweets about it. And yes, there are much warmer places, but the smell of brimstone and the screaming of the damned is hardly conducive to divine relaxation.

Up in Heaven someone always needs something done or fixed, and St Peter’s pretty capable, but some people just have to deal with the Boss, or they’re not happy. If the harp music isn’t too loud, it’s that the nectar is too sweet , or not sweet enough. Even in Heaven, people get picky. Maybe it’s the 7 stars that the Michelin Guide gave us that creates such high expectations, but let Me tell you, maintaining eternal patience is hard work. When I’m in Belize I turn off the Celestial Blackberry (yes, we still have those), and then I have a little more time to spend blogging.

So stay tuned, and I give you My Word that My Word will be a little more up to date than that Book I wrote a while back. Yes, it’s still a bestseller, but so embarrassingly old-fashioned that I blush to read it these days.

By the way, Happy Halloween. Did you like my costume? Yes, that was Me, the one who…no, not that one, the other one, in red. Oh, never mind.