Advice for the Frock Flock

This is the best prayer any of you have sent through in a while.

Dear God,

I saw a few Facebook ‘friends’ praising Father Matthew Ruhl for his homily against hatred this past weekend. Apparently he said that it arises from fear and ignorance, and supposedly he was referring to those opposing LGBT rights, given the context of his remarks. Now God, I hate to disagree with a man who holds an all-access pass to get me through Saint Peter’s security scanners, but this claim cannot possibly be true. After all, the spreading of the message is coming from some of the most religious and educated sectors of society, so there must be something to it. Imagine, even some of his colleagues of the frock tend to encourage it through their preachings, and if you can’t trust a man in a frock to talk about the evils of men wearing women’s clothes, who can you trust?

Now, I do agree that these clerics’ sermons encourage hatred of LGBT, but I think it’s oversimplifying things to think of the missionary fixation on LGBT and its evils in negative terms. Personally, I think the missionary position is to be admired and has a lot going for it. I think they are on top for the full ride. It is a relief to note that their steadfast fixation on this perverted section of society has allowed them to ignore all other trivial distractions, such as crime, poverty and the drug problem. Clearly they stand firm and erect on the subject.

It was just this weekend that I saw the newspapers mention that a 51-year-old teacher, Verden Samuel Blease, had been arrested and put on remand. He had apparently been raping a 12-year-old girl ever since she was aged 7. Weaker men of Christ might have been diverted by that into giving thundering speeches about pedophiles and rapists from their Sunday pulpits. Fortunately, these voluntary arbiters of our virtue correctly identified this as a potential distraction, and since the male teacher wasn’t having sex with an of-legal-age boyfriend, recognized that it wasn’t a problem worth talking about. In the missionary position, heterosexual sex is always best, regardless of consensual age.

I hate (please tell Father Ruhl I’m sorry about the use of that four-letter word) to act holier-than-them, and it’s not my intention, but I thought that now might be a good time for You to offer some advice to church leaders who may be a little demoralized by Father Ruhl’s defection from good sense and selective Biblical interpretation. They can stop the LGBT invasion right in its tracks just with some of the advice below.

First of all, they’ve hit the nail on the head regarding the plans of the LGBT community. It is obviously the gays’ intention to attack our children and convert them to their way of thinking. I know You would never stand for brainwashing and deliberate indoctrination, so You must get them to oppose this kind of thing. Please, tell them to use their pulpits to urge people not to mindlessly believe everything they are told.

Next, please tell them not to ever let this business of pedophiles attacking children of the opposite sex distract them. These men are sick and perverted, which obviously is all that’s needed to prove they are gay. As for drug crimes and gang war, these are trivial things designed to distract the church leaders, so please don’t let them fall for them. Tell them, if anyone mentions Verden Samuel Blease to them, just be sure to say that as far as they know, he never deviated from the missionary position and that’s what matters. That should clear all questions up once and for all.

Finally, suggest that they keep reading all the literature they can on gay sex. When I listen to them I’m so impressed by the extent of their knowledge, but there’s always more they can learn. Know thy enemy is an age-old tenet of war. And please, if they have to infiltrate the gays’ ranks, make sure they know that the best approach is to sneak up on them from behind. They should be careful to carry porn and lube under their frocks, so that they don’t arouse suspicion. Amen.

Prayer rules, revamped

Okay people, new prayer rules. I’m not Santa and it’s not Christmas, so any requests involving the new iPad Air will get you nowhere. No, not the iPad mini either. This rule is not limited to any specific make, model or brand of consumer items you don’t need; it includes all of them.

Also, I may be immortal and eternal, but I still like My eight hours sleep, just for the fun of it. So if you should be asleep, consider that I should be too. Hold the prayers till morning, and not too early. A God without coffee is not a God that will indulge you.

Once in a while, just to be different, ask for something for someone who isn’t you. I’m just saying, that kind of thing comes as a pleasant (and rare) surprise to us higher beings. Try it, you might like it.

Finally, quit the chanting, will ya? Maybe that rosary business works for you, but hearing a billion Catholics say multiple Hail Marys makes Chinese water torture seem pretty lame. Just talk to Me in a normal voice. No, not the one you use for the baby or the dog, that’s not at all normal, and by the way, the dog is fed up with it.

That’s all I can think of right now, but I’m sure you’ll do something to make Me add to the list.

Heaven’s Monday from Hell

It’s been one of those Mondays that make Me wonder why I invented them. First, the sot of an angel whose turn it was to make My coffee got mixed up and gave Me decaf. Even the One True God needs a jolt in the morning, so that made for a slow start.

Then I got outside, and found out that St. Francis of Assisi’s chickens got out during the night and left gifts all over the driveway for Me to step into. Honestly, while I respect his love of animals, I don’t think My brown suedes should pay the price. What in My name does he feed them anyway?

The high point of My day was when Moses phoned in a 911. Apparently some Israelites and Egyptians were watching TV together after breakfast and news about Mohammed Morsi’s trial came on. The Israelites started taunting the Egyptians about not being able to decide who their leader is and before Moses knew what was happening, the TV room was neck-deep in locusts and frogs and whatever else. I authorized him to give them some of the burning bush to smoke and that mellowed them out.

The only thing is, they got the munchies and immediately proceeded to eat everything in sight. Now St. Francis can’t find one of his sheep, and let Me tell you, St. Francis can get really whiny when we burn green stuff and he loses an animal. He makes Me wonder how you guys tolerate environmentalists, honestly.

I never did actually get any of my to-do list done after all that. So if your prayer to get home in time for wrestling didn’t get answered today, just keep in mind that Mondays have a unique capacity to suck, even for Me. Let’s see what Tuesday is like, as if I don’t know.

Evolution or Creation?

It’s obviously both, people. I created the species and programmed it to evolve. Every so often you get an upgrade, such as getting rid of all the body hair, or walking upright. Yes, I know, some people still have body hair, but they may have evolved in other ways. Like being able to walk around shirtless without waxing. I’d say that proves their ego is pretty evolved, wouldn’t you?

evolutionAnyway, it’s pretty silly to think that I created Adam to look like a guy just waiting for Brooks Brothers to come along and invent their suits. Or that Eve stood up after rib augmentation surgery and asked where her shampoo commercial would be shot.

Evolution is not a uniform activity. Some people stopped evolving a few centuries before others. Examples are Rush Limbaugh, the guys from Duck Dynasty, and pretty much every fundamentalist preacher or cleric that comes to mind. Although, Rush seems like the type that would have back hair and walk around shirtless, so I’ll concede the evolution of his ego.

The fact is, I’ve given you guys enough evidence to show that, just like computers, you get a hardware upgrade and a new software version every so often. You just have to use the brains I gave you to see it. Did you get the upgrade? If you didn’t, just keep your shirt on and buy lots of wax.

Why Belize?

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The Blue Hole, Belize

Yes, it’s Me, and I do live in Belize for a part of the year. Why? You know, you have some nerve asking that question. After all, you guys all get to go somewhere warm in the winter and I don’t criticize. Not that I’m saying that Heaven gets cold. After all, it’s Heaven, so it’s perfect. But everyone, even the One True God, needs a break from routine. So I take My break in Belize, because it’s paradise on Earth, and I can say that as an authority on paradise. Belize is also endlessly entertaining, just that you don’t know that because nobody tweets about it. And yes, there are much warmer places, but the smell of brimstone and the screaming of the damned is hardly conducive to divine relaxation.

Up in Heaven someone always needs something done or fixed, and St Peter’s pretty capable, but some people just have to deal with the Boss, or they’re not happy. If the harp music isn’t too loud, it’s that the nectar is too sweet , or not sweet enough. Even in Heaven, people get picky. Maybe it’s the 7 stars that the Michelin Guide gave us that creates such high expectations, but let Me tell you, maintaining eternal patience is hard work. When I’m in Belize I turn off the Celestial Blackberry (yes, we still have those), and then I have a little more time to spend blogging.

So stay tuned, and I give you My Word that My Word will be a little more up to date than that Book I wrote a while back. Yes, it’s still a bestseller, but so embarrassingly old-fashioned that I blush to read it these days.

By the way, Happy Halloween. Did you like my costume? Yes, that was Me, the one who…no, not that one, the other one, in red. Oh, never mind.

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Professor Pastor McKenzie to Sue Owner of Virgin

VirginAtlantic

The Professor has also pledged to boycott this airline for as long as it doesn’t come to Belize

Today religious crusader and perpetual activist Professor Patrick McKenzie filed suit in the Supreme Court to bar billionaire Richard Branson and his associated companies from using the word ‘Virgin.’ The media was able to briefly interview McKenzie as he exited the courthouse.

Journalist: “Good afternoon Mr. McKenzie, can you please tell us the basis for your lawsuit?”

PM: “Yes, well first of all I’m here on behalf of all people who never have sex. We don’t have virgins in America anymore; they are an endangered species. So, in a way, by representing an endangered species that’s also disappearing from Belize, I’m also acting as a kind of environmentalist.”

Journalist: Is that another coffin on top of your car?”

PM: “Yes, I’ve placed a coffin there, in protest of the death of virginity. And if you look closely, you’ll also see a copy of the Joy of Sex pinned upside down to the coffin as a sign of distress. We do have a few virgins left here, and that’s good news. I’m proud to say that every girl I’ve ever dated has told me she’s a virgin and that she wants to remain one. I for one am proud that I inspire them to feel this way.”

“However, I’ve checked with other pastors, and they have assured me that none of the girls or boys in their flocks are virgins, no matter how young they are. I asked them to make doubly sure, and I know I can trust them to check on the situation personally. Their research has us running out of virgins even more quickly than I thought.”

“The fact is, the Government’s Gender Policy and its accompanying Criminal Code are parts of an insidious criminal conspiracy to rid the world of virgins once and for all so that Richard Branson can have the monopoly on the word. I can’t prove it, but I’m sure money has changed hands.”

“Don’t get me started on the importance of virgins in today’s world. There’s the biblical concept of sacrifice that can no longer be fulfilled-“

Journalist: “But there’s no virgin sacrifice in the Bible-“

PM: “I’m a pastor, I’m a scholar, I’m an American and a Belizean. You think I don’t know my bible? I receive personal instruction from God without any inspiration from basil or any other herb. Jepthah sacrificed his daughter to thank God for his victory. What about that? In fact, if my daughter was a virgin I’d do the same thing after I win victory over this evil government, but it just goes to show the moral decay we’re suffering from that you guys would probably be all up in my face for it.”

“What I’m saying to you is that this lawsuit is critically important for the preservation of virginity worldwide. Because as long as Branson is able to use that word, he’s going to destroy any competition trying to use it. So you people all pay attention, take note and mark my words. What I am saying will come to pass, and you’ll have a Gender Policy, a Criminal Code, and NO virgins. Where will you be then? You’ll be sorry you didn’t follow this through, that’s where.”

Journalist: “Thank you Professor.”