Professor Pastor McKenzie to Sue Owner of Virgin


The Professor has also pledged to boycott this airline for as long as it doesn’t come to Belize

Today religious crusader and perpetual activist Professor Patrick McKenzie filed suit in the Supreme Court to bar billionaire Richard Branson and his associated companies from using the word ‘Virgin.’ The media was able to briefly interview McKenzie as he exited the courthouse.

Journalist: “Good afternoon Mr. McKenzie, can you please tell us the basis for your lawsuit?”

PM: “Yes, well first of all I’m here on behalf of all people who never have sex. We don’t have virgins in America anymore; they are an endangered species. So, in a way, by representing an endangered species that’s also disappearing from Belize, I’m also acting as a kind of environmentalist.”

Journalist: Is that another coffin on top of your car?”

PM: “Yes, I’ve placed a coffin there, in protest of the death of virginity. And if you look closely, you’ll also see a copy of the Joy of Sex pinned upside down to the coffin as a sign of distress. We do have a few virgins left here, and that’s good news. I’m proud to say that every girl I’ve ever dated has told me she’s a virgin and that she wants to remain one. I for one am proud that I inspire them to feel this way.”

“However, I’ve checked with other pastors, and they have assured me that none of the girls or boys in their flocks are virgins, no matter how young they are. I asked them to make doubly sure, and I know I can trust them to check on the situation personally. Their research has us running out of virgins even more quickly than I thought.”

“The fact is, the Government’s Gender Policy and its accompanying Criminal Code are parts of an insidious criminal conspiracy to rid the world of virgins once and for all so that Richard Branson can have the monopoly on the word. I can’t prove it, but I’m sure money has changed hands.”

“Don’t get me started on the importance of virgins in today’s world. There’s the biblical concept of sacrifice that can no longer be fulfilled-“

Journalist: “But there’s no virgin sacrifice in the Bible-“

PM: “I’m a pastor, I’m a scholar, I’m an American and a Belizean. You think I don’t know my bible? I receive personal instruction from God without any inspiration from basil or any other herb. Jepthah sacrificed his daughter to thank God for his victory. What about that? In fact, if my daughter was a virgin I’d do the same thing after I win victory over this evil government, but it just goes to show the moral decay we’re suffering from that you guys would probably be all up in my face for it.”

“What I’m saying to you is that this lawsuit is critically important for the preservation of virginity worldwide. Because as long as Branson is able to use that word, he’s going to destroy any competition trying to use it. So you people all pay attention, take note and mark my words. What I am saying will come to pass, and you’ll have a Gender Policy, a Criminal Code, and NO virgins. Where will you be then? You’ll be sorry you didn’t follow this through, that’s where.”

Journalist: “Thank you Professor.”