Advice for the Frock Flock

This is the best prayer any of you have sent through in a while.

Dear God,

I saw a few Facebook ‘friends’ praising Father Matthew Ruhl for his homily against hatred this past weekend. Apparently he said that it arises from fear and ignorance, and supposedly he was referring to those opposing LGBT rights, given the context of his remarks. Now God, I hate to disagree with a man who holds an all-access pass to get me through Saint Peter’s security scanners, but this claim cannot possibly be true. After all, the spreading of the message is coming from some of the most religious and educated sectors of society, so there must be something to it. Imagine, even some of his colleagues of the frock tend to encourage it through their preachings, and if you can’t trust a man in a frock to talk about the evils of men wearing women’s clothes, who can you trust?

Now, I do agree that these clerics’ sermons encourage hatred of LGBT, but I think it’s oversimplifying things to think of the missionary fixation on LGBT and its evils in negative terms. Personally, I think the missionary position is to be admired and has a lot going for it. I think they are on top for the full ride. It is a relief to note that their steadfast fixation on this perverted section of society has allowed them to ignore all other trivial distractions, such as crime, poverty and the drug problem. Clearly they stand firm and erect on the subject.

It was just this weekend that I saw the newspapers mention that a 51-year-old teacher, Verden Samuel Blease, had been arrested and put on remand. He had apparently been raping a 12-year-old girl ever since she was aged 7. Weaker men of Christ might have been diverted by that into giving thundering speeches about pedophiles and rapists from their Sunday pulpits. Fortunately, these voluntary arbiters of our virtue correctly identified this as a potential distraction, and since the male teacher wasn’t having sex with an of-legal-age boyfriend, recognized that it wasn’t a problem worth talking about. In the missionary position, heterosexual sex is always best, regardless of consensual age.

I hate (please tell Father Ruhl I’m sorry about the use of that four-letter word) to act holier-than-them, and it’s not my intention, but I thought that now might be a good time for You to offer some advice to church leaders who may be a little demoralized by Father Ruhl’s defection from good sense and selective Biblical interpretation. They can stop the LGBT invasion right in its tracks just with some of the advice below.

First of all, they’ve hit the nail on the head regarding the plans of the LGBT community. It is obviously the gays’ intention to attack our children and convert them to their way of thinking. I know You would never stand for brainwashing and deliberate indoctrination, so You must get them to oppose this kind of thing. Please, tell them to use their pulpits to urge people not to mindlessly believe everything they are told.

Next, please tell them not to ever let this business of pedophiles attacking children of the opposite sex distract them. These men are sick and perverted, which obviously is all that’s needed to prove they are gay. As for drug crimes and gang war, these are trivial things designed to distract the church leaders, so please don’t let them fall for them. Tell them, if anyone mentions Verden Samuel Blease to them, just be sure to say that as far as they know, he never deviated from the missionary position and that’s what matters. That should clear all questions up once and for all.

Finally, suggest that they keep reading all the literature they can on gay sex. When I listen to them I’m so impressed by the extent of their knowledge, but there’s always more they can learn. Know thy enemy is an age-old tenet of war. And please, if they have to infiltrate the gays’ ranks, make sure they know that the best approach is to sneak up on them from behind. They should be careful to carry porn and lube under their frocks, so that they don’t arouse suspicion. Amen.